True confession... I've been crying a lot lately.
I won't get in to the details, at least not right now, but just prepare yourselves for some REALLY GOOD SONGS to come out of this time! :-)
And while I look forward to those happier moments on 'the other side' of this mountain, the truth is, I am in a hard season right now. And I'm not being dramatic when I say, I have sat on the floor of my closet, in the dark, tears streaming down my face more times than I'd like to admit.
These words, "Why? Why? WHY???" have come tumbling out of my mouth. "I didn't want this!" I have sobbed. And the question rises from the deepest place in my heart, "Why does it have to be this way?".
Have YOU ever been in that place?
Have you ever had a hard time understanding the "Why?".
Upon further reflection, I've realized the real question I'm asking is, "DID IT HAVE to be this way?" Because I'd like to believe that it did NOT have to be this way. I wrestle with the concept of "Free Will" vs. "Destiny" or "God's Perfect Plan" for our lives. Because when the 'shit hits the fan' it's hard for me to find God is in the midst of it. Of course, AT THE END, I can clearly see God's hand - in the redemption of all things - but in the moment, in the middle, that is where it gets murky. That is where it gets confusing.
And THAT is where I find myself right now.
In the middle of the pain, asking this simple question, "Why's it gotta be this way?"
Unfortunately, I don't have any good answers right now.
I wish I did.
I wish this song could wrap it all up in a nice little bow. I wish I could sing some simple lesson that helps it all make sense. But I don't have that.
Here's what I do have...
Incredible, compassionate, wise, deep, brave, life-giving friends.
Friends who have been willing to walk beside me on this rocky journey. Friends who have taken my phone call or returned a text message because they knew I needed them (and because they told me to 'call or text anytime day or night' and I took them up on that offer!). Friends who have listened to me for hours upon hours as I unpack my feelings. And friends who have mirrored back hard truths that I needed to see and reckon with.
And let me tell you something... that is NO SMALL THING to have those kinds of friends!
In fact, it might be the biggest thing we can possibly have, a TRUE friend.
I love the quote by Teresa of Avila that says, "Christ has no body now but YOURS. No hands, no feet on earth but YOURS."
Life is complex, hard and beautiful all wrapped up together. And we are offered the glorious opportunity to BE THERE for each other in the midst of it all.
And so this song is dedicated to my friends. (You know who you are!) There will never be enough words in the universe to express my gratitude. I love you.